smart enough to wish i was more kind

lizziexazz:

In these next couple of days, three of my very close friends are leaving to further their studies and for work. Nadia and Sara are leaving to the UK, and Dr Amaleena (I totally have doctor friend, yo.) is leaving for Sabah to work there. As it is, Syar is in Australia for her studies, Jacqueline is in Canada for hers, and Su is often in Miri for work. Soon, Mawar too will be leaving for Australia. 

As some of you know, Tigah and I are already in a long distance relationship as he is currently in the States. And suddenly, a lot of whom I hold dear are leaving too- and I feel so incredibly alone.

I know it’s selfish to dwell on my loneliness when, given the opportunity they had, I too would (and will) leave this place. But I can’t help but feel deserted. And I’m holding on to Skype like my life depends on it.

Because it practically does. I don’t know how I would have survived these past 3 years being apart from Ian without Skype, and I don’t know how I can handle missing my girlfriends soon.

But as we sat around the mamak table, laughing our heads off over the silliest things, I recall what we were like in high school. The things we felt were important now seem so trivial and childish. The little fights we’d have, the gossips we shared. The drama that were shared (mostly by me). 
And I look at these girls now and think, wow. What wonderful women they’ve all turned out to be. They have always been the most intelligent girls I know, but now they’re also much stronger, more confident, and ready to take on the world. They’re my inspiration, my motivation. They’ve all seen how a crybaby like me grew up, and it wouldn’t have been possible without them.

So I’m struggling a bit, because suddenly my sisters won’t be around to smack me upside the head if/when I do something stupid. But at the same time, I feel, the years they’ve spent with me has prepared me for this moment.

And as I glimpse into my (hopefully not too imaginary) future, I look forward to the next phase of adulthood, when we gather for our weddings, and baby showers and children’s birthdays and hip replacement parties.

Because I believe the distance won’t severe our sisterhood. This is the kind of friendship that lasts a life time.

And I’m glad I have them to share that with me.

I will miss you girls so much. I love you all. 

I’ve known El since she was 12 going on 13 and I was 11 going on 12 (I got to skip 4th grade because I am a genius child prodigy passed a national standardized test that no longer exists). I remember setting up her Hotmail account for her, for some reason. I remember how we used to write NSYNC fanfiction. I remember her choreographing dance moves to Aaliyah’s Try Again (and also Mandy Moore’s Candy, and I think Janet Jackson’s Doesn’t Really Matter) for our PE class. I remember the day we got our results for SPM (another Malaysian standardized test) and how she thought she got 6A’s and I pointed out that she miscounted and she had gotten 7, which, she wasn’t even expecting 6. She used my phone to make both calls to her mom. I still make fun of her for the time she went on a rant in front of our whole Form 1 class, sat down, and kicked her shoe (“accidentally”) until it hit the ceiling. 

I’ve been away from home for four years. Half of me thinks all of our lives will converge and overlap again the way it used to when we were in high school. When we were all in the same place, and saw each other every other day. That half is still scared of growing up. She’s learning though, that half. And she’s catching up with the other half, who’s making leaps and jumps she didn’t think she could have, or would have, when she was 11 going on 12. And I can’t tell you the feeling in my heart when I see my lovely lovely best friends doing the same. We continue to grow and love together. 

What wonderful women we’ve all turned out to be, indeed. 

Today I’ve been thinking about how a friend has this habit of deflecting a question by repeating the question to someone else in the vicinity. 

A: “What did you do this weekend, B?” 

B: “I don’t know, what did I do this weekend, C?” 

The relationship of A to B is almost always far less intimate than the relationship of B to C. This disparity is what allows B to firstly: refrain from directly answering A’s question and secondly: safely deflect the question to someone more or less likely to participate in this weird game of catch. 

It’s an odd affectation, and I’ve tossed around a couple of theories as to why B has this habit. Mostly it has to do with B’s reluctance to answer the question, which increases accordingly depending on the subject matter of the question. It allows B to avoid talking about things like B’s university coursework, B’s responsibilities for a number of different projects, B’s feelings about family, B’s financial situation and other awkward odds and ends that sometimes turn up in civil conversation. It allows B to do all this avoiding but with a smile and a laugh, because if it comes out of someone else’s mouth it’s nothing at all; it’s a questionable truth. 

“How much money have I been spending this month, C?” 

“How much work have I been doing today, C?” 

The answer is always either “More than you should have” or “Less than you should have”. Both answers are never what B wants to admit to anyone. This leads me to conclude that B is embarrassed about the decisions B makes and fears the judgment of others, which is unfortunate but is the universal condition. I wish I had a graph of all this, and I hope B never ever finds it or what’s been written.